American Gods. Here be a geek post.

I know I said the next post would be a tribute to Crispin Glover.  That’s in the works, for sure, but I have to talk a little bit about my excitement/trepidation regarding an upcoming film or TV adaptation of Neil Gaiman’s American Gods.  I don’t know if I’ve ever talked about it before, but I LOVE that book.  Gaiman said in a recent interview that a very important cinematographer had expressed interest, and that something would be in the works soon.  A March 28th report said that the novel, who centers on an ex-convict named Shadow and his interaction with gods of all cultures and times, would become a feature film.  A later report (April 15th) said that novel would be turned into a series.  I hope it’s both.

Ever since the book was published in 2001, fans have speculated as to who would play the characters in a movie version.  I have to admit, that on some sleepless my-brain-can’t-do-any-more-school-or-work nights, I have trolled the message boards, looking to see if anyone else had good ideas, and silently mocking their bad ideas.  So, as for the main characters of the story, I’ll give you a little rundown.

Shadow

Shadow is the main character.  He’s described as big, hunky, and brooding with light brown skin.  Some of the suggestions people have thrown out:

Mark Dacascos
Mark Dacascos

I don’t even know who that guy is.  I do not agree.

Dominic Purcell
Dominic Purcell

Meh?

Vin Diesel
Vin Diesel

Um, no.

Javier Bardem
Javier Bardem

Maybe too old?  Shadow’s supposed to be late twenties, I think.

Someone else suggested that they go with an unknown, and I’m sort of about that idea.  Give some new swarthy hunky guy a chance, for Pete’s sake.  The book says Shadow has an olive complexion or darker, and that he is a BIG dude.  Surely there are some aspiring actors out there who fit the bill and can act.  So, on to the other characters.

Wednesday

The All-Father.  Shadow’s boss.  Here are some of the actors fans have been throwing out there.

Rip Torn
Rip Torn

Not a bad idea, actually.

 

Brian Cox
Brian Cox

A good idea as well.

Stellan Skarsgard
Stellan Skarsgard

Right nationality.  Just not old enough.  Some other people have suggested Anthony Hopkins, but I think that Rip Torn would actually be perfecto.

Laura

Laura was Shadow’s wife, and she gets killed early in the story.  That doesn’t mean, however, that we don’t see her again.  The suggestions for this have been half-cocked, at best.  Most have suggested actors who are way too old for the role.  They’ve suggested Julianne Moore, Jennifer Connelly, etc.  I think whats-her-name would be good in this role:

Jacinda Barrett
Jacinda Barrett

OR

Michelle Monaghan
Michelle Monaghan

They both look the part to me.  Also Anne Hathaway would be OK.

Sam Black Crow

For Sam Black Crow, the girl that Shadow meets in his travels, I suggest either the girl from A Knight’s Tale:

Shannyn Sossamon
Shannyn Sossamon

Or the werewolf girl from the Twilight movies:

Julia Jones
Julia Jones

She’s supposed to be half Native American, and real spunky.  She has my favorite quote from the whole book.  I have the long, awesome passage on a t-shirt from NeverWear, which in retrospect wasn’t a great idea because in order for people to read it they have to stare at your chest for a REALLY long time.  I printed out the passage and hand it to someone when they ask what my shirt says.  For the quote, go here.

Low Key Lyesmith

He’s supposed to have buzzed red hair and scars around his lips.  Some of the suggestions have been Peter Sarsgaard, Steve Buscemi, and Hugh Jackman (people want to cast that guy in EVERYTHING).  Here are the suggestions I like (some of them my own):

Jackie Earl Haley
Jackie Earl Haley

Sorta great, I think, though I’ve only seen him in that Nightmare on Elm Street reboot that I liked in spite of myself.

 

Hugh Laurie
Hugh Laurie

Of course, I am extremely biased.  Because of my enormous crush on Dr. House.

 

Paul Bettany
Paul Bettany

Lots of people picked Paul Bettany as a favorite for this role.  I’m not sure how old Low Key is supposed to look – I loaned out my copy of American Gods and can’t look it up right now, but I’d wager he’s supposed to look not as old as Wednesday, and not as young as Shadow.  I don’t know how Bettany fits the bill, but since I sort of love him, I can’t really veto this idea altogether.

Mad Sweeney

SO, people have suggested every redhead on the planet for this, including Conan O’Brien and ginger hottie Damian Lewis.  Mad Sweeney’s supposed to be, well, mad.  Here are my picks (which agree some some other people’s picks, mind you):

 

Brendan Gleeson
Brendan Gleeson

Wow, right?  And we miss him as Mad Eye Moody already, don’t we?

 

Michael Fassbender
Michael Fassbender

If we wanted to go a little younger, this guy looks the part, though I don’t remember him from 300 and haven’t seen his movies.  He has, like, fifty (OK, 8) movies coming out in the next couple of years.  Would he be good?

 

Sean Bean
Sean Bean

He would also be a good Low Key.  Tough decisions.  Also, Seth Rogen could be Mad Sweeney, if we wanted him to be a manchild.

Czernobog

OK.  This guy is supposed to be powerfully built, low to the ground, and old.  Some suggestions I like, but they aren’t short dudes:

 

Abe Vigoda
Abe Vigoda

Old, check.  Awesome, check.

 

Peter Stormare
Peter Stormare

Old?  No.  But I’m thinking he might do a good job.

There are other characters, though the speculation is that they will skip the whole Hinzelmann/Chad, etc storyline for time.  That would be a shame, because Nathan Fillion would rock as the policeman.

Mr. Nancy

People have tried to put every aging black actor into Mr. Nancy’s fancy shoes, and I’ve got to say that Morgan Freeman doesn’t work, nor does Danny Glover.  Here are the suggestions I’ve liked:

 

Zakes Mokae
Zakes Mokae

maybe….

 

Ben Vereen
Ben Vereen

Would be GREAT!  We already know he can sing and dance, too!

 

Garrett Morris
Garrett Morris

Fantastic.

 

What are your thoughts, if you have any, on this?  Will the Linda Hamilton fan clubbers have anything to say about this post, or will it merely make them yawn?  Stay tuned to find out.

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Rule Number 1 – Don’t Piss Off the Linda Hamilton Fans

The internet is a big, scary place.  I recently posted what I thought was a review of “Home By Christmas” which is a Lifetime Original Movie starring Linda Hamilton.  I pointed out that she looked a little rough in it, along with some comments on the crapulence of the film.

Well.  This is a website, lovingly yet sporadically maintained by me in some incarnation or another since 2007, and I’ve cracked on many celebrities, many Lifetime Original Movies, and many other things since then.  I’ve never gotten more than 40 visits in one day.  Yesterday I had a large contingent of the Linda Hamilton Fan Club stop by to spill a little haterade on my page.  And I published the comments, because what I said pissed them off and I’ve never not published a not-spam comment and I’m not going to start now.  Go take a look at the comments, especially one by Monica, where the girl says she can kick my ass.

Somebody else suggested the name of this blog should be “Sometimes About Horse’s Arses” and to that I respond with two comments.  1) right now it is.  And 2) that domain name is already taken.  Just kidding about the second one.  I didn’t check.  Being that I am not the power-crazed fun-poker you make me out to be (I am a powerless fun-poker, thank you very much) I feel like I’ve apologized enough.

That all being said – where were the rabid Jeremy Sisto fans when I posted this gem?  Only one?

Also, I never thought about pissing off people’s fans as a blog concept.  I made a comment, and internet MAGIC happened.  I might stop doing all my charity work, stop being nice to everyone I meet, and start writing mean things FULL TIME.  That’s what over-the-top fandom does to me.  Who should be my next victim?

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Holiday Hangover

As I’ve mentioned a gazillion times before, I simply adore Lifetime Original Movies – especially the holiday movies.  They call it “Fa La La La Lifetime” and I’m a total sucker for it.

This past holiday season brought us a gem called Home By Christmas starring one Linda Hamilton.  You remember Linda Hamilton – “Beauty and the Beast” and the first couple “Terminator” movies, and other stuff.  She was always kind of neat looking, right?

Linda HamiltonNice, huh?  Well, she doesn’t look like that anymore.  She’s allowing herself to age naturally, without Botox or face lifts or anything like that.  And you know what?  I respect that.  The look they chose for her, however, was unflattering, and the acting is crap.

Linda Hamilton Home By ChristmasLook.  I’m not so sure that I believe in plastic surgery and all that stuff, but I am not sure I don’t.  If Linda wants to grow old gracefully, that’s totally fine by me, but don’t play a role that’s supposed to be about 10 years younger than you look, and while you’re at it, don’t play the part like you’re totally whacked out on Valium the whole time.  Unless I’m also whacked out on Valium, in which case I don’t care.  Just kidding.  I don’t take Valium.  They make Xanax for that now.

Anywhoo, the storyline is this.  Linda’s husband is leaving her, even though she is the perfect wife who makes sure she home cooks meals and gives clothes to the women’s shelter and supported her husband through all this whatever and she has this teenage daughter and BAM!  The husband is leaving, Linda ends up with nothing, the kid wants to live with the husband and his new dish, and Linda winds up living in her car.  Lucky for her she befriends an old man who owns a diner/antique shop (?) with a very attractive son, AND a woman who is also homeless but still manages to look good.  Then they start a business or something.  And Christmas is all saved and stuff.

Sorry to spoil it for you.  I know you were really looking forward to the next Fa La La La Lifetime in the hopes that they’d play it again.  Well, by then you will have forgotten about this post, and I will have already told you everything that popped into my little brain while watching the crap-fest Unanswered Prayers (yep, they made a movie out of the plot of a GARTH BROOKS song) and you will be rushing out to buy that little gem on DVD.

To tell you the truth, I started this post in December.  I’m just now getting around to publishing it.  I’ve been kinda busy.

Update:  I originally had a picture of Aughra from The Dark Crystal in here to illustrate the drastic difference between what Linda Hamilton has looked like in pretty much every other movie I’ve seen her in, and what she looked like in this one.  I realize now this might have been insensitive of me, even when I laughed out loud when I thought about the idea.  I’ve removed the picture, as I believe it is what spawned more comments than usual (or, like, ever) all by people defending Linda Hamilton and indicting my “review” of her “look.”  I am in no way a fashion or makeup or appearance “reviewer.” I am someone who watches entirely too much TV and too many movies, has snarky thoughts, and puts them on a website.

I think Linda Hamilton is great.  I stand firmly behind the earlier stated opinion that the movie was ridiculous, poorly written, and that Linda Hamilton’s performance in it was weird.  Simpering.  Bordering on creepy.  And the hair color was all wrong, and made her look older.

Linda was 50 when she made Home By Christmas – if she was playing her own age that would have made her around 32 when her kid was born, which is younger than I am now.  So I’m not hating.

I really don’t know what else to say.  The movie was silly, and she didn’t look her best.  Unlike now, after her season on Chuck:

linda hamiltonGreat, right?  That’s what you get when you google Linda Hamilton Chuck.  Here is a picture from 2008:

linda hamilton 2008And here is a whole damn forum on people arguing on this same point (that I didn’t even make, by the way) back in 2008 when that photo was taken.  http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/archive/index.php/t-484928.html

This is a picture of her from the latest season of Chuck:

Linda Hamilton Chuck 2011She looks better here then she did in that 2006 movie I saw, and in that 2008 picture I found.  I only found the 2008 picture because y’all got your panties all in a wad.  I decided to research a little more, see.  So I could be less ignorant as to illicit less Linda Hamilton Is Awesome Don’t Dare Criticize a Movie of Hers and Imply She Might Look a Little Rough, Or We Will Make You Feel Super Guilty and Spend a Few Hours Obsessing About This type of comments.  So then I looked for the 2011 pictures, and she doesn’t look the same.

Did she get plastic surgery?  Did she put on a little (I think much-needed) weight?  I’m not saying she SHOULD HAVE or NEEDED TO get plastic surgery, but did she?  Because that’s one way to get rid of wrinkles.  Or maybe the other photos were less makeup.  Which looks better?  What can I say that won’t piss people off?

Whatever she looks like, she’s usually a really fine actor and sounds like a real peach.

 

 

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