i wonder

how much i can type without looking at the keys. so far i haven’t, I’ve just felt that the keys went the wrong way and self-corrected without looking at the keyboard. It’s not hard It is dark in here. Plus, I know where the keys are, so if I have to back up I know where to go without looking. I’m a glass or so of Pinot in it, (I know, vow is off so soon?), so I’ve had to back up about a hundred fifty times but I still haven’t looked.

That’s getting old. I know.

I hate school

I hate college. Now I remember why I dropped out. Because I hate it. I hate the pressure and the uncertainty. I hate having WAY too much work to do…and now it’s even worse because I actually CARE about doing well and I need to succeed for reasons other than my parents might get mad at me.

I had no concept of how much it cost…how much money I was wasting by farting around like I did. Now that I’m back in and paying for it myself I feel SO guilty about failing so many classes, about not caring whether or not I did well, about being such a dipshit.

Did I mention the crazy workload? I’m really busy at work, too, so it’s very hard to find the time to work, do the extra work I do at work (I do about three people’s jobs), go to class, do the homework, do the extra homework because I HAD to take two really labor-intesive classes in the same semester), AND find time to hang out with friends, spend time with family, etc.
It’s so stressful I’ve had to drink a lot of wine and cry a lot. I’ve picked myself up by the bootstraps and have been working for the last 4 hours on a research paper that terrifies the ever living shit out me. I plan to spend 9:45-9:45 tomorrow on it too because I CAN’T SEEM TO GET IT UNDER CONTROL. I have vowed to drink no more alcohol until the paper is ready and would receive at least a C in this class, since that’s what I’ve got to get for tuition reimbursement. Dwight says that if I’m freaking way out he might force-feed me a glass of Pinot, but then I won’t want to stop and he has a REAL hard time saying no to me, so I think I’ll keep my freakouts to myself and try to motor through this naturally and booze-less, while hopefully incorporating a workout regimen into the old schedule. Of course that means I’ll have to get up at around 5:30 every morning (because it’s getting impossible to work out during my lunch break–busy busy and FORGET doing it at night after class–it just won’t happen) and trying to get to bed by 9:30 at night. That’ll be hard on the night that I don’t get out of class until 8:50, but we’ll see what happens.

I have to get serious. II have to get a little confidence. ‘m terrified of this paper, and I am terrified that I can’t do this. Somehow that part of my brain has been removed and I’m just spinning my wheels, walking in circles, setting myself up for a massive failure.

So, yeah.