Category Archives: Movie Reviews

Real Time Review of Candyman: Day of the Dead

I watch a lot of horror movies. I like them. People ask me why I want to watch that type of stuff, with all the horrible things that go on in the world, but that’s kind of exactly why. Supernatural horror is a getaway for me. It takes me away from the horrors of the real world and gives me some meaty (oh, pun SO not intended, y’all) imagination fuel to go chew on. Does that make me weird? Maybe. Does this surprise you, that I might be weird? Probably not.

So I am currently in day umpteen of a migraine, but since I’ve learned to function so fabulously with these sucky headaches and I’ve tried sleep, quiet rooms, nice baths and more, I figure the horrid glare of the computer screen and a loud, obnoxious horror movie can’t hurt me more than I already hurt. Nice theory.

Imagine my delight when I flipped through the OnDemand menu and found Candyman: Day of the Dead. I realize that might sound like an odd statement, but I just loved the first two of those flicks. The original Candyman was actually scary, and Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh was so much better than I expected it to be so I was pretty pumped when I started this movie. The Candyman was a Clive Barker character, so how bad can it be?

About 20 minutes in I thought, “Holy crap, this is awful. I should blog about it.” Which brings us to now.

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This is not a good movie, folks. Even if you like horror movies, and even if you liked the first two, it just isn’t good. A few notable things:

Score

The first two films were atmospherically similar, mainly because of Philip Glass’s amazing scores. The music was beautiful, creepy, almost heartbreaking.

Adam Gorgoni did the score for this stinker, and while I have nothing against the guy, he didn’t even try to create something that was even half as cool and atmospheric as Glass’s simple masterpiece. There was some soothing flamenco music as the main character was making out with the gorgeous Jsu Garcia, who played an underdeveloped yet pivotal character in the film. Do we even call it a film when it went straight to video? Who knows? But, in a really convoluted way this brings me to my next gripe point.

Sloppy, Lazy Cultural Stereotypes

The movie takes place in (Miami?). There is a heavy Latin influence, with The Day of the Dead and everything, and it’s done pretty well although it fails to drive the plot forward, but that is sort of how the second one went with the whole New Orleans Mardi Gras thing. It provides a nice flavor and some good actors, so no complaints there. I did read an IMDB review that said it was poorly done, and that the old healer lady talked like Yoda but whatevs. Actually? The Day of the Dead thing does propel the plot because GOTHS kidnap the main character and take her back to their underground lair, where they plan to offer her up to Candyman as tribute because they, like, worship him all of the sudden. This is pretty bad in and of itself, but the king goth guy is SO bad. He’s like the love child of Ben Stiller, Keanu Reaves and Trent Reznor and he obviously went to the Keanu Reaves on His Worst Day School For Acting For Actors Who Want to Act Real Good. I actually stopped the movie there and rewound it a bunch of times to make sure it was as bad as I really thought. It is.

More Lack of Continuity

While it didn’t surprise me that the main character in the third installment was Caroline McCheever, daughter of Annie Tarrant, who was the main character in the second movie. Annie was played delicately, if not too sedately, by Kelly Rowan. She did a nice job, I guess she was too busy to reprise her role in this one. I mean sure, Caroline is 5 or 6 at the end of the second one and is obviously in her 20’s or 30’s (or 40’s – who can tell the true age of a Baywatch babe?) in this one, but they got Elizabeth Hayes to play Annie and she doesn’t really look old enough to be her mother anyway so, meh.

Also? They call the main character “Carolyn” all through the movie up until when Candyman shows up and says her name. Which is CAROLINE. Named after Caroline Sullivan, lover of Daniel Robitaille, who becomes Candyman after he’s killed by an angry mob + BEES. Angry mob + bees is a sucky way to die. In the origin flashbacks in Farewell to the Flesh Caroline Sullivan is played by Caroline Barclay. She’s played by Laura Mazur in Day of the Dead and the scenes are very late night Lifetime bom-chicka-wow-wow. It’s definitely a different portrayal. In Farewell to the Flesh they are all in love and tortured. In Day of the Dead they are all, well, you get it. It didn’t work for me.

Caroline

OK, I’m just going to say it. Donna D’Errico is not a very good actor. I won’t say anything about her appearance at the risk of insulting those Donna D’Errico fans out there (‘cept, BEWBS) but they got a cute Baywatch babe to scream a lot, and following in the footsteps of the awesome Virginia Madsen and then the totally acceptable Kelly Rowan, her character lacks dimension (except for BEWBS) and complexity.

So, to sum up, this is not a good movie. Tony Todd as the title character is consistent and creepy, as he should be, but considering the fact that he co-produced this film and then later went public saying he “didn’t care for it” he wasn’t enough to keep it in the same league as the second movie. And it couldn’t touch the first one. Just watch that one.

I got tired and sort of bored, so this might not have been interesting like I wanted it to be, so I submit this word cloud to entertain you. But since I couldn’t get the word cloud to work, the list of words I was going to use are:

BEWBS, whydoesthebetteractorblackfriendalwaysgetkilled? GREGOR!

and some more. The Gregor thing? This cop in the movie is played by Wade Williams and I was all “I have seen that guy somewhere before!” and it turns out it was, of course, on Buffy. Season 5. Gregor, the head of the knight guys that were out to fight Glory.

And with that, I show you exactly how big a nerd I really am.

American Gods. Here be a geek post.

I know I said the next post would be a tribute to Crispin Glover.  That’s in the works, for sure, but I have to talk a little bit about my excitement/trepidation regarding an upcoming film or TV adaptation of Neil Gaiman’s American Gods.  I don’t know if I’ve ever talked about it before, but I LOVE that book.  Gaiman said in a recent interview that a very important cinematographer had expressed interest, and that something would be in the works soon.  A March 28th report said that the novel, who centers on an ex-convict named Shadow and his interaction with gods of all cultures and times, would become a feature film.  A later report (April 15th) said that novel would be turned into a series.  I hope it’s both.

Ever since the book was published in 2001, fans have speculated as to who would play the characters in a movie version.  I have to admit, that on some sleepless my-brain-can’t-do-any-more-school-or-work nights, I have trolled the message boards, looking to see if anyone else had good ideas, and silently mocking their bad ideas.  So, as for the main characters of the story, I’ll give you a little rundown.

Shadow

Shadow is the main character.  He’s described as big, hunky, and brooding with light brown skin.  Some of the suggestions people have thrown out:

Mark Dacascos
Mark Dacascos

I don’t even know who that guy is.  I do not agree.

Dominic Purcell
Dominic Purcell

Meh?

Vin Diesel
Vin Diesel

Um, no.

Javier Bardem
Javier Bardem

Maybe too old?  Shadow’s supposed to be late twenties, I think.

Someone else suggested that they go with an unknown, and I’m sort of about that idea.  Give some new swarthy hunky guy a chance, for Pete’s sake.  The book says Shadow has an olive complexion or darker, and that he is a BIG dude.  Surely there are some aspiring actors out there who fit the bill and can act.  So, on to the other characters.

Wednesday

The All-Father.  Shadow’s boss.  Here are some of the actors fans have been throwing out there.

Rip Torn
Rip Torn

Not a bad idea, actually.

 

Brian Cox
Brian Cox

A good idea as well.

Stellan Skarsgard
Stellan Skarsgard

Right nationality.  Just not old enough.  Some other people have suggested Anthony Hopkins, but I think that Rip Torn would actually be perfecto.

Laura

Laura was Shadow’s wife, and she gets killed early in the story.  That doesn’t mean, however, that we don’t see her again.  The suggestions for this have been half-cocked, at best.  Most have suggested actors who are way too old for the role.  They’ve suggested Julianne Moore, Jennifer Connelly, etc.  I think whats-her-name would be good in this role:

Jacinda Barrett
Jacinda Barrett

OR

Michelle Monaghan
Michelle Monaghan

They both look the part to me.  Also Anne Hathaway would be OK.

Sam Black Crow

For Sam Black Crow, the girl that Shadow meets in his travels, I suggest either the girl from A Knight’s Tale:

Shannyn Sossamon
Shannyn Sossamon

Or the werewolf girl from the Twilight movies:

Julia Jones
Julia Jones

She’s supposed to be half Native American, and real spunky.  She has my favorite quote from the whole book.  I have the long, awesome passage on a t-shirt from NeverWear, which in retrospect wasn’t a great idea because in order for people to read it they have to stare at your chest for a REALLY long time.  I printed out the passage and hand it to someone when they ask what my shirt says.  For the quote, go here.

Low Key Lyesmith

He’s supposed to have buzzed red hair and scars around his lips.  Some of the suggestions have been Peter Sarsgaard, Steve Buscemi, and Hugh Jackman (people want to cast that guy in EVERYTHING).  Here are the suggestions I like (some of them my own):

Jackie Earl Haley
Jackie Earl Haley

Sorta great, I think, though I’ve only seen him in that Nightmare on Elm Street reboot that I liked in spite of myself.

 

Hugh Laurie
Hugh Laurie

Of course, I am extremely biased.  Because of my enormous crush on Dr. House.

 

Paul Bettany
Paul Bettany

Lots of people picked Paul Bettany as a favorite for this role.  I’m not sure how old Low Key is supposed to look – I loaned out my copy of American Gods and can’t look it up right now, but I’d wager he’s supposed to look not as old as Wednesday, and not as young as Shadow.  I don’t know how Bettany fits the bill, but since I sort of love him, I can’t really veto this idea altogether.

Mad Sweeney

SO, people have suggested every redhead on the planet for this, including Conan O’Brien and ginger hottie Damian Lewis.  Mad Sweeney’s supposed to be, well, mad.  Here are my picks (which agree some some other people’s picks, mind you):

 

Brendan Gleeson
Brendan Gleeson

Wow, right?  And we miss him as Mad Eye Moody already, don’t we?

 

Michael Fassbender
Michael Fassbender

If we wanted to go a little younger, this guy looks the part, though I don’t remember him from 300 and haven’t seen his movies.  He has, like, fifty (OK, 8) movies coming out in the next couple of years.  Would he be good?

 

Sean Bean
Sean Bean

He would also be a good Low Key.  Tough decisions.  Also, Seth Rogen could be Mad Sweeney, if we wanted him to be a manchild.

Czernobog

OK.  This guy is supposed to be powerfully built, low to the ground, and old.  Some suggestions I like, but they aren’t short dudes:

 

Abe Vigoda
Abe Vigoda

Old, check.  Awesome, check.

 

Peter Stormare
Peter Stormare

Old?  No.  But I’m thinking he might do a good job.

There are other characters, though the speculation is that they will skip the whole Hinzelmann/Chad, etc storyline for time.  That would be a shame, because Nathan Fillion would rock as the policeman.

Mr. Nancy

People have tried to put every aging black actor into Mr. Nancy’s fancy shoes, and I’ve got to say that Morgan Freeman doesn’t work, nor does Danny Glover.  Here are the suggestions I’ve liked:

 

Zakes Mokae
Zakes Mokae

maybe….

 

Ben Vereen
Ben Vereen

Would be GREAT!  We already know he can sing and dance, too!

 

Garrett Morris
Garrett Morris

Fantastic.

 

What are your thoughts, if you have any, on this?  Will the Linda Hamilton fan clubbers have anything to say about this post, or will it merely make them yawn?  Stay tuned to find out.

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Holiday Hangover

As I’ve mentioned a gazillion times before, I simply adore Lifetime Original Movies – especially the holiday movies.  They call it “Fa La La La Lifetime” and I’m a total sucker for it.

This past holiday season brought us a gem called Home By Christmas starring one Linda Hamilton.  You remember Linda Hamilton – “Beauty and the Beast” and the first couple “Terminator” movies, and other stuff.  She was always kind of neat looking, right?

Linda HamiltonNice, huh?  Well, she doesn’t look like that anymore.  She’s allowing herself to age naturally, without Botox or face lifts or anything like that.  And you know what?  I respect that.  The look they chose for her, however, was unflattering, and the acting is crap.

Linda Hamilton Home By ChristmasLook.  I’m not so sure that I believe in plastic surgery and all that stuff, but I am not sure I don’t.  If Linda wants to grow old gracefully, that’s totally fine by me, but don’t play a role that’s supposed to be about 10 years younger than you look, and while you’re at it, don’t play the part like you’re totally whacked out on Valium the whole time.  Unless I’m also whacked out on Valium, in which case I don’t care.  Just kidding.  I don’t take Valium.  They make Xanax for that now.

Anywhoo, the storyline is this.  Linda’s husband is leaving her, even though she is the perfect wife who makes sure she home cooks meals and gives clothes to the women’s shelter and supported her husband through all this whatever and she has this teenage daughter and BAM!  The husband is leaving, Linda ends up with nothing, the kid wants to live with the husband and his new dish, and Linda winds up living in her car.  Lucky for her she befriends an old man who owns a diner/antique shop (?) with a very attractive son, AND a woman who is also homeless but still manages to look good.  Then they start a business or something.  And Christmas is all saved and stuff.

Sorry to spoil it for you.  I know you were really looking forward to the next Fa La La La Lifetime in the hopes that they’d play it again.  Well, by then you will have forgotten about this post, and I will have already told you everything that popped into my little brain while watching the crap-fest Unanswered Prayers (yep, they made a movie out of the plot of a GARTH BROOKS song) and you will be rushing out to buy that little gem on DVD.

To tell you the truth, I started this post in December.  I’m just now getting around to publishing it.  I’ve been kinda busy.

Update:  I originally had a picture of Aughra from The Dark Crystal in here to illustrate the drastic difference between what Linda Hamilton has looked like in pretty much every other movie I’ve seen her in, and what she looked like in this one.  I realize now this might have been insensitive of me, even when I laughed out loud when I thought about the idea.  I’ve removed the picture, as I believe it is what spawned more comments than usual (or, like, ever) all by people defending Linda Hamilton and indicting my “review” of her “look.”  I am in no way a fashion or makeup or appearance “reviewer.” I am someone who watches entirely too much TV and too many movies, has snarky thoughts, and puts them on a website.

I think Linda Hamilton is great.  I stand firmly behind the earlier stated opinion that the movie was ridiculous, poorly written, and that Linda Hamilton’s performance in it was weird.  Simpering.  Bordering on creepy.  And the hair color was all wrong, and made her look older.

Linda was 50 when she made Home By Christmas – if she was playing her own age that would have made her around 32 when her kid was born, which is younger than I am now.  So I’m not hating.

I really don’t know what else to say.  The movie was silly, and she didn’t look her best.  Unlike now, after her season on Chuck:

linda hamiltonGreat, right?  That’s what you get when you google Linda Hamilton Chuck.  Here is a picture from 2008:

linda hamilton 2008And here is a whole damn forum on people arguing on this same point (that I didn’t even make, by the way) back in 2008 when that photo was taken.  http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/archive/index.php/t-484928.html

This is a picture of her from the latest season of Chuck:

Linda Hamilton Chuck 2011She looks better here then she did in that 2006 movie I saw, and in that 2008 picture I found.  I only found the 2008 picture because y’all got your panties all in a wad.  I decided to research a little more, see.  So I could be less ignorant as to illicit less Linda Hamilton Is Awesome Don’t Dare Criticize a Movie of Hers and Imply She Might Look a Little Rough, Or We Will Make You Feel Super Guilty and Spend a Few Hours Obsessing About This type of comments.  So then I looked for the 2011 pictures, and she doesn’t look the same.

Did she get plastic surgery?  Did she put on a little (I think much-needed) weight?  I’m not saying she SHOULD HAVE or NEEDED TO get plastic surgery, but did she?  Because that’s one way to get rid of wrinkles.  Or maybe the other photos were less makeup.  Which looks better?  What can I say that won’t piss people off?

Whatever she looks like, she’s usually a really fine actor and sounds like a real peach.

 

 

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