My time management skills have depleted all of the sudden. The go-to girl has gotten up and left, and when it comes to my personal life I can’t get ANYTHING accomplished in a timely manner.
That being said, Mom offered to spring for a pedicure, and it would be a sin to go to church on Easter with chipped toenail polish, right?
I’ve decided to use Twitter as a cathartic device to voice my internal monologue. That means that ideally if you piss me off you will never know it, as the snarky mean thing that I want to say to you will go into internetville instead of into your face. However, there is a remote possibility that you decide to follow me on Twitter and piss me off, and immediately check Twitter because it’s just notified you that I’ve Tweeted, and will read the snarky thing that I’ve just refrained from saying out loud.
That’s a chance I’m willing to take.
1. If you’re going to murder a neighbor, it’s best to live in a building with an incinerator.
2. Halle Berry’s feet don’t stink.
3. Being “an inspiration” isn’t good enough to get you the Judge’s Save on American Idol.
4. I literally can barely understand a word Jay Leno says.
5. I’m fairly certain that the first guest singer on American Idol last night was rapping a song about non-family appropriate things to the tune of a Dead or Alive song.
6. No matter if your dead husband’s soul is in another man’s body, if there is enough residue of that other man in there, he’s not OK with the fact that you can see ghosts.
7. Television advertisers have embraced the fact that Easter symbols are based in Pagan fertility rites. You know how I know? That stupid Cadbury commercial with the chocolate bunny staring down the peanut butter to the tune of “Let’s Get it On”.
8. Domino’s CEO really must be a nice guy. Or an evil genius.
9. PIRATES!!!!!
10. Again, PIRATES! Honestly folks, did you ever think you’d hear of a pirate attack? I know it sucks and everything, but it is so surreal to have a newscaster say, “And on the coast of Kenya today, pirates attacked a U.S. destroyer and have taken the captain captive in a gut-wrenching drama on the high seas.”
I do hope that the Somali pirates let the guy go and that nobody get hurt. Darn those Johnny Depp movies for desensitizing all of us to the real danger of pirates. It’s no laughing matter, Folks.