All posts by Elizabeth

Happy Birthday. I Miss You.

August 19, 2013 Elizabeth Leave a comment

Today would be your 36th birthday, which would make you (number-wise) the same age as me. Until March. Since we could talk and form human thoughts, our 5 months separation in age have made for intense debate. When we were very young, my 5 months on you was total justification for my know-it-all attitude. To you, my older-and-wiser self could conceivably take the heat when one of our hair-brained ideas went awry and we ended up in a spot of trouble. Once we reached 30, our age difference became a joke. You’d say “Well, you can understand that because you’re so much older than me” from March to August, and then starting August 19th I’d begin with the “Welcome to the old lady club, would you care for a prune juice?” bit.

This year is different, because you’re gone. I still can’t believe it. On July 29th the world stopped making very much sense.

On that day, Mom called me to tell me you were gone. On that day, she and I drove to West Virginia to pick up your Mam-Maw to take her to your funeral. At 11:12 PM that night, I wrote this in my journal:

“It’s funny that I would break out a journal now, since it is one of the few times in my life that I’ve been totally at a loss. For words. For a real grip on my feelings. For anything. I sit in this familiar house listening to my mom and your grandmother talk and for a few seconds at a time it is almost possible to ignore what has happened. That you, at 35 years old, have died of cancer. That tomorrow we’ll drive 9 hours to a cheap hotel in Rockford, Illinois to attend your funeral. You, who I have loved best, loved longest, loved so achingly and frustratingly for all my years. As long as I can remember. You are a piece of my heart, a chunk of my soul and you are gone. Part of me is gone.”

And thus began three days of intense scribbling, because if I didn’t keep my hands busy I’d go crazy. I remember all of it, the drive, your visitation, your funeral, the drive back, through a hyper-real filter of grief. And since then, I have tried to live life and do what I’m supposed to do but it will take some time, I think, before anything seems real or right again.

I know that during these times you’re supposed to talk about the big picture. You’re not supposed to focus on your own loss because there is a greater plan. A glorious and wonderful architecture to life that is not for us to understand. You believed that with all your heart, and you weren’t afraid to go. I admire you and am so proud of you for that.

And I want to be strong, and wise, and I don’t want to be selfish. But I feel selfish, and maybe that’s OK right now. Because right now I wish I could be waiting to call you to see if your birthday present got there yet. Right now I wish I was waiting until it was a decent hour in Illinois so I could call and leave a loud and ill-tuned recording of “Happy Birthday” in your voicemail. One so horrendous that you’d call me back laughing. I miss you. Every day.

But I’m not the only one. Your sweet husband, for one. Your sister. Your grandmother. My mother. Your mother-in-law. Your sister-in-law. The whole amazing family you married into. YOUR family. Your dad. Your dad’s family. Your aunt. Our whole family. And so, so many more.

Sitting in that little church, two emotions were prevalent. One, of course, was grief. The other, undoubtedly, was love. You were so loved. Fellow teachers, past and present students, past and present employers, church members, friends from high school, friends from college, friends from elementary school. They all adored you. You made a difference in their lives. You changed the world for them. I couldn’t have been more proud of you. I couldn’t have been more sure that you left this world after living the life you were absolutely supposed to live.

I wish I had a recording of Doug’s (speech? sermon? eulogy?) on the day of your funeral. To paraphrase, he reminded the group that had gathered (standing room only, just like at your mom’s) that J was crazy about you. And then he said that he was crazy about you too. And so were your students, your family, and everyone. He gave this heartbreakingly simple, very eloquent list of reasons to be crazy about you. Your smile, your mission, and your suffering. Your smile shows the world your heart. Your mission shows the world your devotion to God. Your suffering shows the world you were a hero. You were my hero. You still are.

So enough mumbling and moaning. It’s your birthday, after all, and I wanted to write something to express how much you mean to me and how much I miss you. I guess that’s the danger in waiting 22 whole days to write something. It all comes out. But, since this is my own little place that I carved out to write whatever I want, I feel totally justified in letting this first 880+ words serve as an introduction. Now I’ll take a cue from Doug and keep it simple.

We used to bug your Pap-Paw to take us to the store for candy or ice cream, and for some reason we loved the grocery store. Being that it was 1979 or 1980 and we were so very cute, we were pretty much allowed to go barefoot all the time, resulting in a vigorous foot washing from one of our grandmothers, mothers or aunts. I believe the above photo was post-foot washing. My grandmother may have destroyed the photos of our dirty feet to protect the family name. She didn’t get that we were trying to be “Blackfoot” Indian Princesses like her.

This was always one of my favorites of us.

“Bikes”

I think we were 9 or 10 in this picture. Les and Ali are so little!

All grown up, we go to a “beautiful” mall in IL. This was before a big surgery, after which you graciously and cheerful rode the whole 10 hours back to WV with Mom, your Mam-Maw and me.

Last summer in Charleston. So glad that we had that time. So glad we had any time we had.

That same trip. Before or after we goofed around and both got in the hammock.

After the graveside portion of your service, the people from your old school and church brought two busfuls of balloons. Bright pink, light pink, white…and we all released them at the same time. It was a nice gesture (and hopefully not too destructive to the bird population of IL) and a few people caught pictures of it.

This picture of you, while not the favorite for the “Iconic Lori Picture,” makes me so very happy.

But part of us will always be those little girls. Best friends. And you will always be the Denier of Naps, Purveyor of Candy, Writer of Arms With Ballpoint Pens, and the first person to be excited to see me.

Happy Birthday, my sweet Lo Lo. I’ll get over this terrible bump of self pity soon, but today your Bethie misses you.

House, Things I Don't Like

An Open Letter to My Landlord

July 12, 2013 Elizabeth Leave a comment

I alerted you to the air conditioning situation in the XXXX apartment of XXX address, last September when I moved in. I told you at that time that only a few of the vents worked, and nothing was done.

Over the winter, when temperatures got very low, I let you know that those same vents were under-performing. This resulted in my having to keep the thermostat on 80 degrees in order for it to be 65 degrees or so in the apartment, and I had to borrow a heater from you, and use two of my own space heaters. As a result of all this, my heating costs over the winter were much higher than they should have been. My electricity bill was $250-$300 per month, too.

This year, on June 13th, I let you know that the AC wasn’t functioning satisfactorily. You told me to check to see if the line was frozen and you told me to change the filter. I did, but still only one vent in the apartment actually blows, which is the vent in the bathroom. You commented that perhaps I perceived it that way because the bathroom is the smallest room. I told you that regardless of the bathroom being the smallest room, I was still able to tell that other vents simply were not blowing air. The bedroom vent trickles a bit of air, but not enough to make any difference in the temperature of the room.

You never sent over an AC tech like you promised.

On June 24th at 4:08 PM I checked in with you again. You did not respond.

On June 25th at 3:44 PM I sent you a text that said “Landlord, please respond about the AC.”

You responded at 6:09 PM that same day and asked the internal temperature of the apartment and to check the outdoor condenser for a frozen line. I responded that the temperature inside the apartment was 82 degrees despite the thermostat being set to 68 degrees. I told you the line on the compressor looked fine but that when I walked past the basement I felt cold air, leading me to the conclusion that ducts might be disconnected.

You responded that you left your AC tech a message and that you would let me know when he could come check it. The maximum temperature that day was 96 degrees. I responded to you that the heat was making me sick.

On June 29th I had a problem with the plumbing in the bathroom. Water welled up from the pipes into the bathtub and wouldn’t drain, the toilet wouldn’t flush and the wax ring around the toilet was leaking. I notified you of the problem at 9:21 AM and you responded at 1:33 PM asking what color the water was, if the tub had been draining normally until now, and if I would be home in the afternoon that day. You texted back at 1:48 (15 minutes or so later) and said that the plumber could likely get there that day (June 29th) but needed to know when I’d be home. You also asked if the water had drained since I plunged the bathtub. I went out for a while that afternoon since my bathroom wasn’t function. I responded at 3:30 and told you that the bathtub had drained, the water seemed clear, and that I’d be home around 4:30.

You responded at 4:11 PM that the plumber went on another call and would let you know when he would be free. You said that you might want to try a drain cleaner – that you had some at another property and you’d see how much was left when you went back there.

I asked you what would make water rush into the tub from the pipes, and you didn’t respond. I was afraid it was a sewage backup problem, which would be bad.

I texted you at 5:16 on the same day (June 29th), again at 5:37 PM and tried to call you no less than 5 times. You did not answer any of my calls.

You responded at 6:16 PM on June 29th to tell me that the plumber thought the sewer line might need to be cleaned out and that he was coming back. I asked you when he’d be here. You said that you weren’t sure, that he had to pick up a larger router and then he’d call you. I asked you to keep me posted, and offered to call him directly if you’d provide his number.

You responded at 6:34 PM to say that the city sewer line was backed up and that might have something to do with it. I told you I still wanted to plumber to come, because at that point you had confirmed my fears that the problem might be sewage, which would render my apartment unusable, as I’d be afraid to use any of the running water for fear there was sewage backup in the pipes.

You said the plumber was coming and that I should use the drains as little as possible. This puts me after 6:30 PM on Saturday with no way to run water, use the toilet, etc. We had several more exchanges. I told you I had church and work the next day and that I’d need the bathroom to get ready, and that I should be able to use the toilet when I needed to. I asked for an update at 7:30 via text, and called you several more times with no answer.By 8:47 you still hadn’t responded, so I texted you to ask for the plumber’s phone number.

You responded at 9:08 that you’d called the plumber and talked to him 5 times or more (this is all without you coming to assess the situation or asking me for more information via text or telephone) you said that the plumber would try to be out that night but if not it would be first thing the next morning. I asked you to call me so I could tell you my schedule for the next day. You didn’t. I told you I was busy all day the next day but that you had permission to let the plumber in if I wasn’t there the next day.

I then went out and bought heavy duty Liquid Plumber and poured a bottle down the toilet and one down the bathtub drain. About two hours later, they both drained and the toilet flushed normally again.

Because of your lack of response, and the fact that I didn’t hear from you “first thing in the morning,” I believed that this would be much like the AC tech situation from June, and that no plumber was coming. I still felt that a plumber should double check to make sure there was no sewage back up in the pipes, but I chose not to try anymore to get help from you.

At 11:25 AM the next day (June 30), you texted to tell me the plumber was outside and asked if I was home. Even though I had told you twice by text and twice via voicemail that I would not be home all day Sunday, and that you had my permission to let the plumber in. I told you that and that your lack of communication was frustrating. If you had checked with me Saturday night, early Sunday morning, or communicated with me at all I would have told you about the Liquid Plumber and how I got the bathroom to drain. You didn’t. You just let the plumber show up late morning and then texted me at 2:47 on the 30th of June saying “Elizabeth this is crazy, you made it sound like a disaster area and the plumber check the drain for over and hour and couldn’t find anything wrong, or that even concerned him.”

I reiterated the entire exchange so far and expressed relief that the plumber didn’t find anything wrong. The situation, on Saturday night, was an emergency, even though I didn’t say that word (emergency) but you failed to help me, so I helped myself.

You then said “I told you yesterday, based on what you described that I first wanted to try a good drain cleaner. It certainly wasn’t an emergency and you need to pay $50 towards his bill which will probably be $150 because it was a weekend service call.”

I have a record of the text messages we exchanged after that, but I made it clear that I wasn’t going to pay $50 when your lack of communication and the fact that you DIDN’T come try a drain cleaner resulted in your getting the plumber over here. There WAS something wrong, and it appeared that I fixed it. I didn’t know for sure, since I’m not a plumber, nor am I landlord. If you had a problem calling the plumber you should have come over here to assess the problem yourself. And you should have brought the drain cleaner over Saturday night.

Regardless, we had no further contact until July 9th, after I paid my rent and notified you that I would not be extending my lease another year. I never got any confirmation from you that you received that letter, but I’ve attached it to this email for your reference.

July 9th at 9:01 PM I texted you to said that the AC was failing to blow any cool air. I texted you again the next morning at 7:27 AM that the temperature was a bit cooler, but that was probably because it was early morning and that the AC should still be checked – that only one vent was blowing.

i should mention at this time that when the plumbing problem occurred I went down into the basement. The ductwork is pinned up to the ceiling and compressed, but the basement itself is very cool as the air conditioning is blowing in the basement, not in my apartment.

Like this, borrowed from inspectapidia.com.

You responded at 4:28 on July 10th (nine hours later) that the AC tech was trying to get by here today and that he’d let you know when he finished his last appointment if he’d be by that night or the next morning. I told you I’d be here all night but had to leave at 7 the next morning, but did not see a need for the tech to come in.I told you what I saw in the basement. July 10th’s high temperature was 91 degrees.

I got home at 2:16 on July 11 and texted you to ask for status.

You responded at 4:36 PM that “I just told him 15 minutes ago when he gets there to call me.”

I thanked you, and told you I’d like for him to come in and identify the vents that weren’t working and let you know I was at home.

I texed you at 6:22 PM to ask for status again. I told you the temperature inside the apartment was 82 degrees with the thermostat set to 66 degrees. The high temperature on July 11 was also 91 degrees.

I texted you at 8:27 PM July 11th telling you that you have known about this problem for some time now and that the only reason I was able to be in the apartment was because of the fans. Since the bedroom ceiling fan has never worked since I moved in, I can’t sleep in the bedroom.

As of now (1:02PM) on July 11th, I still haven’t heard from you. It’s cooler today, but that doesn’t mean that the problem has fixed itself. When it gets hot again the problem will be just that, a problem, again.

Since this has been an outstanding problem this year (2013) since June 13th, it has been between 91 and 96 degrees in the hottest part of the day. That means that since June 13th I haven’t had reasonably functioning AC for almost 1 month. I realize this is an old house with high ceilings and very, very old windows and that even the best AC might not cool this house the way an energy efficient place would. That’s a sacrifice we make for living in these beautiful old homes. HOWEVER, of all the vents in this entire apartment, only one blows air at a rate more than a trickle, and right now,even with the thermostat on 66, it’s not blowing cold air. The compressor outside doesn’t function like the other compressor.

If this isn’t resolved by the end of the day today, we will have to discuss the deduction of a significant part of August rent. It is the law that you provide a habitable living space, and when temperatures inside an apartment reach in the eighties WITH “central AC” that does not constitute habitable. Again, today is nice, but the last month has been pretty miserable.

I will be out of your hair September 1. Trust me when I tell you, though, that your new tenant will want the vents to function. It’s in your best interest to fix this now.

Blogging

The Politics of Blogging

May 28, 2013 Elizabeth Leave a comment

I really miss writing here. I’ve been blogging on this site in one incarnation or another since 2007 or so. For a while I thought I would become the next Heather Armstrong or Jenny Lawson and then, after a bad Google Adsense mix-up, gave up on that and decided to amuse myself. I’ve written movie reviews, recipes, random thoughts and more, all framed through the “me” lens that is the essence of a “me blog.” That’s what this is, really. It started out as my MySpace blog, for Pete’s sake. A blog that, incidentally, I deleted 70% of because I made the boneheaded mistake of blogging about work.

I think I’ve told that story before. It’s a cautionary tale for everyone who blogs – be careful what you say on the internet because it will exist FOREVER. You can never get away from it. And yeah, that’s true. So, because of all the stuff that’s been going on in my life in the last couple of years, I haven’t blogged. Partly because it felt fake to post movie reviews when I had a sick family member or a huge life change. Partly because I’ve WANTED to write about those things so badly that I haven’t been able to trust my own judgement about what to share and what not to share.

I read all this thought leadership on social media and blogging. Partly because it’s one of my jobs (well, one part of two of my five jobs) and partly because I am genuinely interested in it. How the world has changed since I was in middle school, even. High school, too. We didn’t have a computer in my house growing up. I didn’t have a computer in my home until 2002 or so, and it was a work computer. The fact that I rely so much on the internet now astounds me. The realization that I itch to write about my personal life on this website rather than in a journal where the pages can stay private and hidden both shocks me, shames me and pleases me just a little.

So, anyway. The other day I was sitting on the front porch of my cute, quirky, totally non-functional little apartment and I heard a dog barking from far away. The sound started getting closer and closer, and soon a bright blue car passed my house. A brown dog had his head out the window and was barking joyfully, rhythmically, every two seconds like a metronome. The car passed by with the dog still barking, and I laughed with pure pleasure at the ridiculous and hilarious things that happen every day, as long as we stand still long enough to experience them. So do I need to vent online about my family problems, my failed marriage, my fears and worries, or the fact that I got laid off the day before my birthday? No, I don’t. I can’t promise I won’t occasionally mention those things, but mostly I’m going to tell you about those beautiful bizarre moments as they happen.

Because life really is amazing.

not always about monkeys

All posts by Elizabeth

Happy Birthday. I Miss You.

An Open Letter to My Landlord

The Politics of Blogging

i can't really tell you what this blog is about, but I can tell you what it's not about. monkeys. at least not all the time.